585 Days

It’s been 585 days since I’ve been in this space.  585 days.  I’m sorry for leaving this space black.  For just disappearing with no explanation, no sentiment, no warning.  It wasn’t on purpose.  Like most things in life that require a little discipline and motivation, I kept telling myself that I’d get back to it “tomorrow.”  By which, I apparently meant that I’d get back to it in 585 tomorrows.

But it wasn’t just a lack of discipline and motivation that kept me from writing, it was a lot of fear.  A lot of embarrassment.  A lot of condemnation.  A lot of codependency.  A lot of thoughts, such as:

“I don’t want people to think I just complain all the time…”

“I hope that people know that I’m more than just the infertile girl…”

“What will people think if I share that part of my life…?”

“What makes me think that I have any authority or ability to write about this…?”

“No one wants to read about your feelings, stop making everyone feel uncomfortable…”

Thankfully, two strong, beautiful women helped to pull me out of my fear.  My dear friend Chelsea, who has blogged through losing her son, Rory Emmanuel.  And a college acquaintance Kelsey, who is blogging as a 20-something, unexpectedly diagnosed with breast cancer.  These women gave me courage.  They inspired me.  They reminded me that part of this journey is sharing my story.  They could have succumb to fear and not shared their story, but they didn’t.  They recognized that fear comes straight from hell and they chose to not be paralyzed by it.  They are heroes and overcomers.

I’ve written about it before, but I love this quote from Frederick Buechner: “The story of any one of us is in some measure the story of us all.”  I need to trust that the people who need to read my story will, and that my story can somehow transcend walls and diagnoses and ages and misunderstandings.  I need to trust that the Holy Spirit will use it for the glory of God and guide me to share what He wants me to.  I need to trust God enough to tell Satan to GET OUT OF THIS SPACE, BECAUSE NO ONE INVITED YOU and to roar in the face of inadequacy and fear and shame.  Because I am a lioness.

So let’s do that, ok?  Ok. *Internet High Five*

Now that that’s taken care of… what’s happened in those 585 days?

Doctors appointments… so many doctors appointments.

Failed fertility treatments.  So many hormones.  SO MANY FEELINGS.

Surgery: a laparoscopy to perform an ovarian wedge resection and clear up some endometriosis.  Yes, I also got diagnosed with endometriosis (on top of my PCOS diagnosis).

Weight loss, weight gain.  Ugh, no comment.

Anxiety.  Lots of anxiety.

Hope… glimmers of hope.

Unity.  Unity in my marriage.  Infertility can drive you apart or bring you together.  We’ve worked hard to stay unified and have grown closer through this experience.

Support.  I’m so grateful for the support of so many people in my life.  The love, care and concern do wonders for my heart.

Crossfit.  Yep, I do crossfit now (but I promise it’s not all I talk about).  It’s scary, hard, and pretty freaking awesome.  It’s so empowering to feel strong (and to continue getting stronger).

Vacation!  Greg and I went to the Canadian Rockies over the summer and it was AMAZING.  Here’s a few pictures to show you why Banff is the most beautiful place I’ve ever been:

So that’s that!  I am happy to be back blogging, and glad that this first “hey, remember me?” post is out of the way.

More to come.

K.

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